Another Sunday reflection.
It wasn’t until I became a client of Kai that I started to feel as if I was heard. Not that when I chose to confide in my closest friends, I wasn’t heard, but he just acknowledged my feelings and I felt that it was enough to keep going. He was the first therapist I had and I completely lucked out. We’ve had an off and on therapist-client relationship for about 3 years. He knew that anxiety was ravaging my life and helped to stabilize my moods while also being encouraging. He put up with my 3am emails because he knew that writing everything was an outlet for me. He knew that my industrious list making, over-scheduling and lack of boundaries meant that I was scared of failing. He knew that I would drop everything to be there for my students but told me I wasn’t superhuman. He told me he didn’t know anyone else who had a schedule like me and still woke up the next day without dragging her feet. He cleared up so many things for me, asking me questions I didn’t have the courage to really answer.
He recently saw me go from to someone who kept digging a hole, without realizing she was digging, to someone who is was trying to envision a future. He knew that I didn’t like the attention so we would often have our sessions over a game of Bananagrams. (He wasn’t very good). He never once judged, criticized or changed my behaviour, even when I chose to sat on the floor. Instead, he worked around what worked for me by providing a healthier perspective. He made sure that I would schedule in time to eat. He never rushed me during my break-downs and quiet moments of reflection. He knew that during my times I didn’t want to speak, my mind was going a mile a minute, so he never pushed for more. He would email me and check-in if he didn’t hear from me in awhile. (I’m not sure if all therapists do this, but it means a lot).
In all of our sessions together, I never asked him about his personal life, I didn’t really know what he was like outside the clinical setting. I do know, however, he has a husky and enjoys watching Riverdale. But I guess that lack of personal connection somehow made it easier to have a connection. You know how some people say it’s easier to confide in a stranger? That instant connection? I’m living proof of that.
Speaking of strangers, I’d like to tell you about Kay. Once a stranger, and now has a place in my heart. He taught me that I shouldn’t have permanent solutions for temporary problems. That he would always been in my corner regardless of what happens. He, too, also experienced all my break-downs and rollercoster of emotions and held my hand through it out. Our relationship has changed for the better and I am so grateful for it.
“We never really talked much or even looked at each other, but it didn’t matter because we were looking at the same sky together, which is maybe even more intimate than eye contact anyway. I mean, anybody can look at you. It’s quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see.”John Green
Sometimes healing is sitting in coffee shops and writing the years from your mind. And sometimes healing is rest; it is also hiding from the world, it is having everything inside you be quiet and eerily bare. They both understood the spectrum.
If I can take away one thing from the both of them, it’s that, “I’m not alone and I’ll be okay..” The world needs people like you. I never really said that I was thankful and grateful for both of their roles in my journey. So thank you. Both of you.